


Revenge of the Short (AKA I Should Just Have Stayed in Monticello) (AKA 5 Times Jefferson Got Hit On The Head And 1 Time He Didn't)

by turtles_to_the_max



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-23 00:00:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18538135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtles_to_the_max/pseuds/turtles_to_the_max
Summary: Jefferson never fails to taunt Alex about how short he his.Alex wants to get his revenge.Which is all well and good until Philip gets involved.





	1. Chapter 1

Thomas Jefferson stared down at the straining face of Alexander Hamilton, who was trying (and failing) to reach anywhere near the taller man's height.

He sneered. "Aww, poor Hammy. If only your IQ came anywhere near even your height. As it is, it's a good thing we're not duelling, you'd have to aim for the sky either way."

"Actually, Jefferson, my IQ points are quite close to my height - if you measure in centimetres. Meanwhile, you - " Alex gave up trying to make himself any taller and stepped back, pretending to scrutinise Jefferson "- seem to make up for entirely in metres what you lack in intelligence. Did all of your brain matter get transferred to your feet?"

Jefferson snarled. "You little - " He made a violent motion towards Alex, but stopped when he saw Washington glance their way. "You wait..."

Alex grinned, enjoying the rage boiling in Jefferson's face. Although, as much as he loved taunting Jefferson, it would be nice to get revenge somehow...

And then he got an idea. If he pushed Jefferson to the breaking point, managed to get him to try and attack him - a few more insults would do it.

"So, Jefferson," he said, and Jefferson looked up, startled. "how is life going for you? If only you could get one... and your mother? Is she recovering?"

"Recovering? She was never sick in the first place, unlike your mother... how was her funeral, orphan?"

"No, I meant from seeing your ugly face," replied Alex. (He was still a little stung, though; the orphan jibe was below the belt, in his opinion.)

Jefferson's hands clenched into fists. "How dare you - "

"Aww, is little Jeffy getting angwy?" Alex said. "Why don't you run to your little cheerleader, it might cheer you up, Madison's got even less brains than you, impressive considering - "

Jefferson snarled. "That. Is. It." He leapt at Alex, who ducked just in time and started sprinting towards the nearby forest path.

Alex grinned to himself as he ran for his life. Never, if you value your safety, insult James Madison in front of Thomas Jefferson; it would be akin to telling a bull that its mother was a big, fat [expletive] while dangling a red cape in front of it. Noticing that Jefferson was gaining on him, he picked up the pace a little, his short legs no match for the taller man's strides.

It was too late; Jefferson was gaining on him fast. Maybe the James Madison joke had been too far after all... Alex was about to surrender and ask the nearest tree to tell Eliza he loved her, when he saw what he had been looking for: a low, overhanging tree branch, stretching halfway across the forest path.

It was now or never. Alex gave one last burst of speed, darting easily under the branch, then slowed; Jefferson, seeing this, charged in for the kill.

And ran straight into the branch, hitting himself square in the head.

Alex turned around to snicker at Jefferson, who was sitting in the mud, a large bruise already forming on his forehead. "Aww, poor Jeffy got himself hurt? It must be awful to be tall..."

He gave Jefferson one I-had-no-idea-this-was-going-to-happen look, then walked away, humming to himself.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas plans revenge. It backfires. Philip is happy.

Thomas Jefferson grumbled to himself as he walked along the forest path, massaging his scalp. That Hamilton! Now Thomas couldn't even complain to Washington about it, since Hamilton could just say he ha no idea it was going to happen - which, Thomas realized, was probably Hamilton's plan. He needed revenge somehow...

Thomas stopped short when he saw the playground. An evil smile crept over his face. Now he could get his revenge on not one, but two Hamiltons, all at the same time.

***

10-year-old Philip Hamilton laughed as he somersaulted down the slide for the tenth time (he couldn't wait to show his dad), his curly hair flopping in his face while Theodosia laughed. He brushed it out of his eyes - and looked up to see a tall, dark-skinned stranger in a horribly magenta suit staring down at him. 

"You're Alexander Hamilton's son, aren't you?" the stranger asked. On closer inspection, he seemed to have a large bruise on his forehead. Philip was a little wary of him - after all, his dad had always warned him not to talk to strangers - but the fact that the man knew his dad relaxed him a little. 

"Um, yeah," he said. "Why?"

"And who are you, anyways?" Theodosia interrupted. "What do you want?"

The man smiled at Philip. "Your father wants you. And you can call me Thomas." He gestured for Philip to follow him.

"Philip!" Theodosia hissed from behind the slide. "Are you sure? He looks pretty weird."

"Yeah, I know," Philip whispered back. "But he knows my dad, so..."

Theodosia shrugged. "I guess. I can follow you, if you like."

"If you want," Philip replied. "Be careful, though."

As he ran up to the man and they began to walk together, Philip began to wonder even more about the man. Who was he? Why would his dad want him in the middle of work? Why was he acting so strange? And why, for God's sake, was the man wearing such an awful shade of magenta? The flowers that grew in his mom's garden were duller. He stood out like a neon firework among the trees.

After a few minutes of walking, a familiar tree branch came into view. He and Theodosia had often played there, climbing on top and, as Theodosia put it, 'scaring the pants off innocent passers-by'. That was, until the other kids had started to chant "Philip and Theodosia, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G." (It wasn't the chant that bothered them, it was that the line 'Philip and Theodosia' had too many syllables.)

The man walked directly into the tree branch and swore loudly.

"That's a no-no word," Philip told him.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas, despite being hit in the head two times by the same tree branch, still tries to get his revenge. It backfires again.

Alexander Hamilton grinned to himself as he saw a familiar magenta figure emerge from the forest. His smile faded as he saw Jefferson walking with a smaller person that looked like... his son?

He walked over to the pair. "Philip? What are you doing here?"

Philip looked up at his father, confused. "Didn't you need me for something? At least, that's what he told me." Philip pointed at Jefferson, who was watching the scene unfold with a growing look of enjoyment on his face. 

"But I - I never - Jefferson, what is this?"

Jefferson flashed Alex and evil grin and turned to Philip.

"Your father and I just had a race through the forest that we decided wasn't quite fair, so we're redoing it," he said, crouching to talk to Philip. "Your job is to sit on your dad's shoulders and cheer him on, okay?"

"Okay..."

Alex gasped as he realized what Jefferson's plan was. A thousand visions flew through his head, of Philip's head ramming into the tree branch, of him tumbling off of Alex's back, of his forehead splitting open, of Philip crying on the ground while Jefferson watched smugly... no. Alex would have to refuse. Even if it meant wounding his pride, that was still far less valuable to him than his son's life. 

But there was the problem: Alex _couldn't_ refuse. Jefferson would ask why, and Alex would have to confess that he knew about the tree branch, and Jefferson would report him to Washington, which might even cost him his job. He would have to run and duck when he reached the tree branch, and hope that Philip had the good sense to do the same.

It was too late to think of a better plan. Jefferson lifted Philip onto Alex's shoulders, and together they walked back to the edge of the forest.

Jefferson looked dow at Alex, grinning. "Maybe we should let you have a head start, Ham - after all, you are carrying something."

There was nothing Alex could do. He started running.

 

Philip's mind raced furiously as he was jolted down the forest path. Obviously, this man Thomas Jefferson wanted revenge on his father for something, possibly related to the two large bumps he had on his head? In any case, Philip knew that his head was supposed to hit the large tree branch that had just come into view, to hurt his father. That was something that Philip could never let happen. He had a plan...

As they approached the tree branch, Philip lifted his hands from his father's head. He would have to get the timing just right. Not quite yet... almost there... just one more step... now! He reached up and grabbed the tree branch, pulling it as far forwards as he could. 

Jefferson paused in confusion, a few feet before where the tree branch used to be.

Philip used the opportunity to let go of the tree branch, which swung back and hit Jefferson in the head so hard that he fell onto the ground, a third large welt on his head and mud soaking through his pants.

Both Hamiltons turned around to look at Jefferson sprawled on the ground. Philip blew Jefferson a raspberry, while Alex shot him one completely innocent look and turned away with Philip still on his shoulders.

Jefferson roared. He leapt up and charged full out at the other two, ready to squish them into pulp - and ran straight into the tree branch again.

The other two burst out laughing.

Shooting them one last murderous look, Jefferson stalked off, muttering curse words under his breath.

"That's a no-no word!" Philip yelled at his retreating back.

All of the sudden, the tree branch burst out in laughter.

Alex looked up in shock. A small dark-skinned girl slipped down from the branch, landing on her feet. She straightened up, laughing and applauding.

"Wonderful performance, sir!" she cried up to Philip. "Encore!"

Philip jumped down from Alex's shoulders and bowed. "Thank you, my lady..."

The girl giggled. "I saw the whole thing. When he came for you, I followed you and climbed up here."

Philip looked impressed. "Even when I pulled the branch back?"

She shrugged. "I just held on tight. But man, did it shake... and I almost fell off when it hit his head."

"He did look funny, though, didn't he?" Philip laughed. "And it turned out he was actually mean after all."

The girl leaned in. "Really?"

Philip puffed out his chest. "Yeah! He tried to split my head open - but I didn't let him!"

"Wow!" The girl cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled "Meanie!" into the forest.

Philip giggled. "He looked so stupid when I hit him in the head, though, did you see?"

"Yep," laughed the girl. "Anyways, I should go. Bye!" She raced off through the trees. 

As she ran off and disappeared, Alex realized something. _Hey, i_ _sn't that Burr's kid?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay. so. this was trash. apologies and thanks to anyone who's made it this far.


End file.
